Becoming a person who loves oneself, learning self-affirmation, self-acceptance, and self-delight, is a piece of homework life assigns us.
The human brain is divided into reason and emotion. If human emotion is an elephant, then reason is the rider on its back. Every attempt at change is an act of urging the elephant forward. The elephant’s temperament has three characteristics: immense strength, stimulation by emotion, and being governed by past experiences. We can intervene on the third point, but the other two are difficult and can only be soothed.
Therefore, the essence of change is the process of replacing old experiences with new ones. This process requires you to take action yourself, receive feedback, let your body genuinely feel the process, and continuously repeat and reinforce it.
However, the psychological comfort zone can make you overly reliant on old experiences, leaving you powerless to change. Psychology summarizes six steps a person takes when facing difficulty: problem-solving, self-blame, seeking help, fantasy, avoidance, and rationalization. The comfort zone actually refers to these most commonly used coping mechanisms. They provide a great sense of control, leading to over-reliance and an inability to make changes.
When we see the fears within clearly, try asking yourself these four questions:
- What is your specific goal for change?
- What benefits do the behaviors opposite to your goal bring you?
- If you behaved differently, what are you most worried others would think or do?
- What benefits do the behaviors that keep you from changing really bring you? If you lost these benefits, would something terrible happen?
Sincerely understand your fears, then use small actions to attempt change on the fourth point, and see if anything terrible actually happens.
- Don’t think about overly huge future tasks. Focus on the small step you can take right now, and do it well.
- Once a new behavior becomes a new habit, cultivate an “environmental field” to completely replace the old habit.
- Do a specific thing in a specific space, letting your body get used to it, forming stable expectations, and practicing to solidify the behavior often.
- A “field” actually leverages human spatial memory. Our personal history, struggles, moments of inspiration, etc., may seem insignificant to others, but are profoundly meaningful to ourselves.
- Consciously let new behaviors happen in specific spaces, gradually forming new habits.
- Replace self-blame with liking. We subconsciously use anxiety and fear to motivate ourselves to change, but more self-blame only breeds more fear and anxiety. Subconsciously, we develop an aversion to the change we need to make. So, don’t blame yourself. Allow for failure, and just try again.
- Ultimately, no matter what change we need to make, its ultimate purpose is for self-acceptance and self-delight. In this process, continuously clarify the goals you pursue and let go of what you don’t need.
The fantasy and obsession with a “perfect self” and a “perfect world” are like shackles, imprisoning us in place. Let go of excessive control over life, let events flow through your body naturally. Stop obsessing over the “score” of something, whether it was done well or poorly. It is a tiny moment in your past life and should not affect the present you.
Accept uncertainty and imperfection. Accept that things won’t always go as I wish. Focus on doing well the things you truly want to do. Let the intention to act spring from your heart and face it calmly. Perhaps this is the first step in mastering this lesson.
A Supplementary Tip:
Talk to yourself using the third-person perspective (Third-person self-talk), especially using your own name.
For example, when Charliefoo feels everything is going wrong, reflecting with “Why has Charliefoo gotten into this situation where everything seems to go wrong?” activates a lower emotional level and creates less sense of despair than asking in the first person, “Why am I so useless?”
When we fall into a depressive mood, we often stage sad internal dramas: a little angel guides our emotions, reflects on the present, and persuades our rational mind to accept ourselves. (Most people’s internal monologues use the first-person perspective to converse with themselves.)
I recalled a technique I noted while reading The Road Less Traveled. When we use the third person to talk to ourselves, the emotional activation level is lower. The elephant of emotion becomes easier for us to steer, allowing us to adjust various thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
References:
Moser, J. S., Dougherty, A., Mattson, W. I., Katz, B., Moran, T. P., & Guevarra, D., et al. (2017). Third-person self-talk facilitates emotion regulation without engaging cognitive control: converging evidence from erp and fmri. Scientific Reports,7(1), 4519.
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